Tackling the Problematic #NotAllMen Defence
*Content Warning: This article contains discussions of sexual trauma.
Each year, the UK’s statistics on sexual violence and harassment—which are disproportionately perpetrated against women and girls[1]—are particularly unsettling. According to a 2020 survey by Plan International UK, two-thirds of women and girls aged between 14 and 21 have faced unwanted sexual harassment or attention in a public place.[2] A 2019 survey conducted by Brook and Dig-In also found that more than half of university students in the UK have experienced unwanted sexual attention, such as inappropriate touching, sexual coercion, and cat-calling, with women being more likely to experience these behaviours than men.[3] And, in England and Wales, one in four women have been the victim of rape or sexual assault as an adult.[4]
These statistics reveal a disturbing prevalence of unwanted sexual conduct in the UK; however, for many women, our lived experiences make such statistics unsurprising. In fact, most women are accustomed to receiving unwanted sexual advances. For instance, in conversations I have with my female friends, the majority of whom are in their mid-twenties, the question we often ask each other is not if you have been sexually assaulted, but when.
Many women are also accustomed to being victim-blamed for such unwanted behaviour, often hearing excuses, such as ‘you were flirting.’ One of the most frustrating aspects of having a bubbly personality as a woman is that many people equate my friendliness with flirting. For instance, at the hotel where I work, male guests sometimes leave unsolicited messages on my desk inviting me to their room at the end of my shift, seemingly forgetting that I am being nice to them in a professional capacity. I am not flirting. Why must so many men (wilfully) conflate my kindness with sexual interest?
In 2014, a Malaysian diplomat, Mohammed Rizalman bin Ismail, indecently assaulted a woman in New Zealand. Under cross-examination at the High Court in Wellington, he stated that he was ‘getting signals’ from the way the victim ‘smiled’ at him and that he perceived her smile as ‘an invitation to follow’ her.[5] Although alarming, it appears that his conflation of her kindness with sexual interest is not a rare occurrence. Every day women are sexually assaulted or harassed by men who (often wilfully) misinterpret their actions as sexual invitations.[6]
It could be argued that the distorted portrayals of women and relationships that we frequently see in popular media may reinforce these misinterpretations. For example, in Hollywood films, we are all too familiar with the hackneyed storyline of a woman who resists or ignores her male suitor, often pretending not to like him in a twisted game to ensure that he stays interested in her. As the story progresses, the male character typically ignores her rejection, second-guessing her. He continues to pursue her, often relentlessly, until she eventually gives in to his advances and they live happily ever after.
However, such popular depictions are misleading and send harmful messages about how women should be treated. In real life, women are not static objects of desire to be relentlessly pursued or whose minds can or should be second-guessed. However, such portrayals may encourage a man to misread a woman’s ‘no’ as a veiled or confused ‘yes’ and to perceive that he has been ‘led on’ when, in fact, she is simply not interested.
Now, this is not to suggest that women cannot also misread signals. Women too are capable of pestering men and making them feel uncomfortable. They can and they frequently do. But this should not mean that, when a woman raises an issue of sexual harassment or coercion, she should be met with a flurry of ‘not all men’ or ‘men go through this too’ responses.[7] It is true that not all men are violent or sexually inappropriate. No one is suggesting that they are. However, what the #notallmen and the ‘men go through this too’ defences deny is the fact that all women, without exception, must navigate a world that is, and has historically been, constructed upon the abuse of our gender. This abuse is oftentimes sexual and it is capable of being both overt and institutionally embedded.
The #notallmen defence has the (inadvertent) effect of dismissing the lived experiences of women and girls everywhere. These are our historical and present-day experiences that we face precisely because we are women and girls. By employing this defence, individuals are often attempting to show allyship. In other words, they are trying to say, ‘I am not like that. I am not one of those men.’ However, the impact of this defence is to (inadvertently) silence women by minimising our abuse.
Essentially, if #notallmen sexually harass or assault or coerce women, then perhaps our experiences, as women, are not as serious as we claim them to be and perhaps other men, albeit allied to our struggle, can safely turn their backs on this problem because it is the ‘fault’ of others who just so happen to be men? Thus, the #notallmen defence subtly minimises the inextricably gendered nature of our experiences of abuse, abuse which we face precisely because we are women and which some—but not all—men feel that they can perpetrate against us precisely because they are men.
The #notallmen defence subtly minimises the inextricably gendered nature of our experiences of abuse, abuse which we face precisely because we are women and which some—but not all—men feel that they can perpetrate against us precisely because they are men. Image source: Mark Greene / Medium
Every day women are sexually assaulted or harassed by men who (often wilfully) misinterpret their actions as sexual invitations. Image source: Pinterest
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[1] Alexandra Topping, ‘ONS Survey Reveals Level of Sexual Harassment Against Women’ (The Guardian, 18 March 2021) <https://www.theguardian.com/society/2021/mar/18/ons-survey-finds-one-in-14-women-have-been-victim-of> accessed 2 October 2022.
[2] Sophie Gallagher, ‘Two Thirds of Young Women Have Experienced Unwanted Sexual Attention in Public, Finds Survey’ (The Independent, 20 January 2020) <https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/women/sexual-harassment-women-plan-international-study-2020-a9291761.html> accessed 2 October 2022.
[3] ‘Our New Research on Sexual Harassment and Violence at UK Universities’ (Brook, 25 February 2019) <https://legacy.brook.org.uk/press-releases/sexual-violence-and-harassment-remains-rife-in-universities-according-to-ne> accessed 2 October 2022.
[4] ‘Statistics About Sexual Violence and Abuse’ (Rape Crisis England & Wales) <https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/statistics-sexual-violence/> accessed 2 October 2022.
[5] Azlan Zamhari, ‘Rizalman: In M’sia, a Woman’s Smile is an Invitation to Follow’ (malaysiakini, 4 December 2015) <https://www.malaysiakini.com/news/322185> accessed 2 October 2022.
[6] Coreen Farris and others, ‘Perceptual Mechanisms that Characterize Gender Differences in Decoding Women’s Sexual Intent’ (2008) 19(4) Psychol Sci <https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9280.2008.02092.x> accessed 2 October 2022.
[7] Kelsey McKinney, ‘Here’s Why Women Have Turned the “Not All Men” Objection into a Meme’ (Vox, 25 May 2014) <https://www.vox.com/2014/5/15/5720332/heres-why-women-have-turned-the-not-all-men-objection-into-a-meme> accessed 2 October 2022.